Om (part I)
Yoga, much like smoking pot, is a practice I have been told is profoundly enjoyable, even fulfilling. And yet, despite trying it over a dozen times, I still hate it. I continue trying because I feel like I must be doing it wrong. Yoga-enthusiasts tell me I just haven't found the right instructor; weed-enthusiasts tell me I just haven't found the right bud (and that I would feel differently if I tried theirs, which is definitely the Best Weed Ever because it's grown hydroponically in a closet by some dude who totally knows his shit). Every time, I get sucked in by the sales pitch and try it again. And every time, I hate it. And every time, I vow never to do it again.
So naturally, when I heard about this new instructor in Nolita who teaches this really hard-core version of yoga, I slapped down my $20 and signed up immediately. But, really, this time is going to be different. See, the instructor used to be a Morgan Stanley banker, and she quit her job to open up her own studio and teach a totally non-wussy form of yoga. Says she in Bloomberg News:
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To be continued...
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www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
So naturally, when I heard about this new instructor in Nolita who teaches this really hard-core version of yoga, I slapped down my $20 and signed up immediately. But, really, this time is going to be different. See, the instructor used to be a Morgan Stanley banker, and she quit her job to open up her own studio and teach a totally non-wussy form of yoga. Says she in Bloomberg News:
"I want everyone to see that you can drink wine and eat fine food and come to yoga the next day and you'll be totally fine," said the lithe, 5-foot-11-inch brunette at her Manhattan loft. "You don't have to become a vegetarian to practice yoga."Oh my God, it's yoga for people who binge-drink!! This is exactly what I've been waiting for all these years. In fact, I think this woman might be my soul-mate.
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To be continued...
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www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
The Top 10 Semi-Sensical Song Lyrics
Pop music is full of lyrics that are intentionally nonsensical. Beck, for instance, has built an entire career out of this. When a musician starts singing about "a piece of wax falling on a termite that's choking on the splinters" or "a little silhouette of a man, scaramouche, scaramouche," I just accept that I'm never going to understand the meaning behind the lyrics, and I move on with my life.
But then there are the lyrics that are just kind of weird, and it's not really clear whether the weirdness was intentional or not. You know, not totally crazy, but you're left thinking "Wait, what? Is that really what they meant to say? Are they that stupid? Or strange? Or could they just not think of any other line that would rhyme with the previous one and have the correct number of syllables?"
So here's my list of the Top 10 Semi-Sensical Song Lyrics of All Time -- not totally bizarre, just bizarre enough to keep me thinking about them for much longer than I should:
10.) Jay-Z - "It's Hot"
It starts with the line: "Hovah's like Noah, keep two in the truck." That's pretty clever. That works. But then comes the next line:
"I'm like U-Haul: Every bitch movin' I fuck." I get that U-Haul is involved in the business of moving things, but I still don't see how this metaphor is supposed to work. U-Haul doesn't fuck every bitch that is moving, as far as I know. Unless maybe Jay-Z is taking issue with their prices? Like every woman who has to move her things with U-Haul gets fucked over by their expensive hourly rates and surcharges?
And then there's the chorus:
"Thirty-eight revolves like the sun round the Earth." Forehead, meet palm. Palm, meet forehead.
9.) Estelle - "American Boy"
"I met this 5'7" guy that's just my type." Slightly below-average height is your type? Not that there's anything wrong with a guy being 5'7" but I don't know too many women who view it as a selling point.
8.) Petey Pablo - "Freak-a-Leak"
"24, 34, 46 -- good and thick, and once you get it then she'll work wit it" Wait, your ideal woman has a freakishly small chest and suffers from borderline abdominal obesity? You musicians have very strange preferences in romantic partners.
7.) R.E.M. - "Leaving New York"
"Leaving was never my proud." Is George W. Bush ghost-writing lyrics for R.E.M. now?
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6.) Akon - "Dangerous"
"I can notice but to, notice you, noticing me." Wait, George W. Bush is ghost-writing for Akon now, too???
5.) Queen - "I Want to Break Free"
"I've fallen in love for the first time..." Oh, well that's sweet. This is your first experience with true love. "...This time I know it's for real." This time? I thought you just said it was your first time!! Liar! I feel so betrayed. I thought I was your first.
4.) Notorious B.I.G. - "Hypnotize"
"At last, a n*gga rappin' 'bout blunts and broads, tits and bras, menage-a-trois, sex in expensive cars." Yes, "at last" is just what I was thinking, too. I mean, finally we have a rapper who is willing to go there, a rapper who can rhyme about flashy automobiles and sex with multiple attractive women.
3.) Sade - "Smooth Operator"
"Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago." As a New Yorker, I find this deeply offensive. And retarded.
2.) Kanye West - "Gettin' It In"
"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous. My apologies, are you into astrology? Cause I'm, I'm tryin' to make it to Uranus." I take issue with these lyrics on two distinct grounds. First of all, while astrology is related to celestial bodies, it's not going to help you find Uranus. For that, you need astronomy. It's not quite as nice of a rhyme, but it still works. Secondly, Kanye, the Uranus/Your-Anus pun? Really? You have the wit of a fourth-grader. And you're a gay fish.
1.) Alanis Morisette - "Ironic"
(The entire song.) Well, obviously. No other song has been more ridiculed for the unintentional inanity of its lyrics than "Ironic." Bonus: No other song has allowed so many people to feel smart about themselves for pointing out the irony of a song dedicated to irony that contains zero references to actual irony. The budding intellectual snobs of the world thank you, Ms. Morisette.
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
But then there are the lyrics that are just kind of weird, and it's not really clear whether the weirdness was intentional or not. You know, not totally crazy, but you're left thinking "Wait, what? Is that really what they meant to say? Are they that stupid? Or strange? Or could they just not think of any other line that would rhyme with the previous one and have the correct number of syllables?"
So here's my list of the Top 10 Semi-Sensical Song Lyrics of All Time -- not totally bizarre, just bizarre enough to keep me thinking about them for much longer than I should:
10.) Jay-Z - "It's Hot"
It starts with the line: "Hovah's like Noah, keep two in the truck." That's pretty clever. That works. But then comes the next line:
"I'm like U-Haul: Every bitch movin' I fuck." I get that U-Haul is involved in the business of moving things, but I still don't see how this metaphor is supposed to work. U-Haul doesn't fuck every bitch that is moving, as far as I know. Unless maybe Jay-Z is taking issue with their prices? Like every woman who has to move her things with U-Haul gets fucked over by their expensive hourly rates and surcharges?
And then there's the chorus:
"Thirty-eight revolves like the sun round the Earth." Forehead, meet palm. Palm, meet forehead.
9.) Estelle - "American Boy"
"I met this 5'7" guy that's just my type." Slightly below-average height is your type? Not that there's anything wrong with a guy being 5'7" but I don't know too many women who view it as a selling point.
8.) Petey Pablo - "Freak-a-Leak"
"24, 34, 46 -- good and thick, and once you get it then she'll work wit it" Wait, your ideal woman has a freakishly small chest and suffers from borderline abdominal obesity? You musicians have very strange preferences in romantic partners.
7.) R.E.M. - "Leaving New York"
"Leaving was never my proud." Is George W. Bush ghost-writing lyrics for R.E.M. now?
-
6.) Akon - "Dangerous"
"I can notice but to, notice you, noticing me." Wait, George W. Bush is ghost-writing for Akon now, too???
5.) Queen - "I Want to Break Free"
"I've fallen in love for the first time..." Oh, well that's sweet. This is your first experience with true love. "...This time I know it's for real." This time? I thought you just said it was your first time!! Liar! I feel so betrayed. I thought I was your first.
4.) Notorious B.I.G. - "Hypnotize"
"At last, a n*gga rappin' 'bout blunts and broads, tits and bras, menage-a-trois, sex in expensive cars." Yes, "at last" is just what I was thinking, too. I mean, finally we have a rapper who is willing to go there, a rapper who can rhyme about flashy automobiles and sex with multiple attractive women.
3.) Sade - "Smooth Operator"
"Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago." As a New Yorker, I find this deeply offensive. And retarded.
2.) Kanye West - "Gettin' It In"
"Don't try to treat me like I ain't famous. My apologies, are you into astrology? Cause I'm, I'm tryin' to make it to Uranus." I take issue with these lyrics on two distinct grounds. First of all, while astrology is related to celestial bodies, it's not going to help you find Uranus. For that, you need astronomy. It's not quite as nice of a rhyme, but it still works. Secondly, Kanye, the Uranus/Your-Anus pun? Really? You have the wit of a fourth-grader. And you're a gay fish.
1.) Alanis Morisette - "Ironic"
(The entire song.) Well, obviously. No other song has been more ridiculed for the unintentional inanity of its lyrics than "Ironic." Bonus: No other song has allowed so many people to feel smart about themselves for pointing out the irony of a song dedicated to irony that contains zero references to actual irony. The budding intellectual snobs of the world thank you, Ms. Morisette.
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
Ladies, Gay Men Are Not Your Pet Chiuauas
I'm filing this one under ENVY just because I'm pissed I didn't think of it first. Have you ever had something that's been vaguely annoying you but you just haven't found the words to properly express this irritation, and then someone goes and says exactly what the smarter, funnier, more articulate version of yourself was about to say? And it pisses you off, because the person just completely nailed it, and you didn't? That's what this video does to me right now:
Video via Towleroad.
Let me make a prediction right now: The Gay Best Friend (or, worse, the Gay Boyfriend or Gay Husband) concept of today will be as cringe-inducing for us in 20 years as Soul Man is for us now. It seems cute at the time, but you just know we're going to look back and think "How the hell did we get away with saying that?"
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
Today in LUST: If I Were a Dude, I Would Totally Get Laid
Lady readers, have you ever left a date thinking to yourself: "Duuude, if you just would have done X and not done Y, you totally would have gotten laid. But now I can't. I just can't." This needs to stop. It's been wayyy too long since I've felt inspired to hop into bed with anyone. Sometimes I feel like writing down helpful suggestions for next time these guys ask a girl out --- at least she'll get some action then. And so, with this in mind, the first installment of a series I like to call "If I Were a Dude, I Would Totally Get Laid." Enjoy.
The First Few Dates: Situation Under Control
Sometimes I'm a little baffled by the places guys take me on dates. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Angelo and Maxie's, per se. But guys, let me make something very clear: loud steakhouses are a total cock block. Go there with your guy friends, even your female friends, but don't go there on a date. Likewise, I often enjoy the beer sampler at Heartland Brewery...when I'm with friends. Do you want to be my friend? One of my drinking buddies? Didn't think so.
Just put a little thought into it. It's actually not that hard. Go to nymag.com (if you live in New York, or yelp.com if you live elsewhere) and do a search for "Romantic" restaurants within your price-range that are in her neighborhood. And voila! You've probably got yourself an establishment that will not end your chances of getting laid that night.
But first I must -- must -- stress that you should always go into the date with a plan. If you're going to take her to dinner, make a reservation. Seriously, it's an easy way to not look all flustered and not in control of the situation on your date, but so many guys just blow it off. Women like when men have the Situation Under Control. We like when we hear the hostess say "Right this way, Mr. Smith." We do not like when we hear you say "Uh...so they said it'll be a 40 minute wait. I guess we could wait at the bar? Or go to, like, another place? I don't know...what do you think?" The latter is an example of not having the Situation Under Control, and it is not hot.
Next: Take your date to a lounge or bar near the restaurant approximately one hour before your reservation. This serves as a kind of buffer period so that you can act all relaxed and accommodating and not the least bit worried about losing the reservation if she happens to be running ridiculously late (see above for importance of having the Situation Under Control).
Advanced level tips: (1) When you're making the reservation, always ask for a corner booth so you can sit next to her instead of across the table like you're at a job interview. This also gives you the opportunity to initiate physical contact without doing the awkward, across-the-table hand-holding thing, which is just kind of weird on a first or second date anyway. (2) Dessert is sexy but she's probably not going to order it and might even say she doesn't want it. This is one instance in which "no" actually does mean "yes," so order something for you to split. This also makes you seem indulgent, which is always nice.
Just put a little thought into it. It's actually not that hard. Go to nymag.com (if you live in New York, or yelp.com if you live elsewhere) and do a search for "Romantic" restaurants within your price-range that are in her neighborhood. And voila! You've probably got yourself an establishment that will not end your chances of getting laid that night.
But first I must -- must -- stress that you should always go into the date with a plan. If you're going to take her to dinner, make a reservation. Seriously, it's an easy way to not look all flustered and not in control of the situation on your date, but so many guys just blow it off. Women like when men have the Situation Under Control. We like when we hear the hostess say "Right this way, Mr. Smith." We do not like when we hear you say "Uh...so they said it'll be a 40 minute wait. I guess we could wait at the bar? Or go to, like, another place? I don't know...what do you think?" The latter is an example of not having the Situation Under Control, and it is not hot.
Next: Take your date to a lounge or bar near the restaurant approximately one hour before your reservation. This serves as a kind of buffer period so that you can act all relaxed and accommodating and not the least bit worried about losing the reservation if she happens to be running ridiculously late (see above for importance of having the Situation Under Control).
Advanced level tips: (1) When you're making the reservation, always ask for a corner booth so you can sit next to her instead of across the table like you're at a job interview. This also gives you the opportunity to initiate physical contact without doing the awkward, across-the-table hand-holding thing, which is just kind of weird on a first or second date anyway. (2) Dessert is sexy but she's probably not going to order it and might even say she doesn't want it. This is one instance in which "no" actually does mean "yes," so order something for you to split. This also makes you seem indulgent, which is always nice.
Today in LUST: A Very Professional WTF Craigslist Ad
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No, for your information, I was not trolling the Craigslist ads for myself. I did this for the good of 7SW. Click here for the original ad...with pictures (definitely NSFW). You're welcome.
By the way, is this a thing now? Are people doing this? Is Samantha going to be recommending this in the next Sex and the City movie?
Nipple Rejuvenation ! - m4w - 43 (Nassau County)
Reply to:pers-hzqb3-1193791826@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-28, 5:26PM EDT
Nipple Rejuvenation ! I have a nipple extension hobby/ business. I have a few nipple pumps 1 nursing pumps and 1 high quality Dr, Joel Kaplan nipple extension pump. (google "Kaplan nipple")
Im looking to practice and photograph the treatment process -no face shots- a woman. must be open minded and wanting to try this.
session will last 30 minutes or so, and a aprox 3 headless photographs of your breasts hooked to my pumps, My pants will stay on ! I will have to touch your breasts in a professional mannor. I will have to rub a small amount of massage oil on your nipples/upper breast before pump treatment, to allow skin to suctioned) [Excuse me, sir! You are not rubbing massage oil on my breasts in a professional manner. I was led to believe this would all be done in a professional manner.]
I may treat you to a bit off manual (Maybe oral) clitoral stimulation. [And this will also be done in a professional manner? Because I like my clitoral stimulation to be done by a professional.] This along with the pump's suction process, may add oxygen rich blood to the breast area, and make you more relaxed.
I'm safe sane Irish/Italian. [Excellent. Because I was worried you might be German. Everybody knows the Krauts can't do a proper nipple-suctioning.]
I will e-mail you a copies of the photos i take of your breasts
email me for photos of my equipment or myself
please do the same.
Your breast photos may be used for my personal collection Send name photo & breast size, contact info and questions you may have.
Im not licensed or insured [Wait, but I though you said you were professional. How can you call yourself a professional if you're not even licensed by the Nipple Suctionioners' Association of America?], this is for my personal hobby and our mutual pleasure. you can contron the amount of suction on your nipples. must be of legal age. I work full time, odd hours, in the airline industry. Im 40 Italian/Irish nice looking.
Can you follow simple special instructions?
You must put the following word in the subject box for a reply: "ARUBA" otherwise, you go in the delete box [A secret password!!]
You must attach a photo,
No 1 line'er replies
no odd ball email addresses, [I know, right? Can't a guy run a legitimate nipple suctioning operation without getting all sorts of weirdos emailing him?]
Be specific in your reply.
Be local Nass-suff- Qns, manhattan
I'm REAL!
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
No, for your information, I was not trolling the Craigslist ads for myself. I did this for the good of 7SW. Click here for the original ad...with pictures (definitely NSFW). You're welcome.
By the way, is this a thing now? Are people doing this? Is Samantha going to be recommending this in the next Sex and the City movie?
Nipple Rejuvenation ! - m4w - 43 (Nassau County)
Reply to:pers-hzqb3-1193791826@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-28, 5:26PM EDT
Nipple Rejuvenation ! I have a nipple extension hobby/ business. I have a few nipple pumps 1 nursing pumps and 1 high quality Dr, Joel Kaplan nipple extension pump. (google "Kaplan nipple")
Im looking to practice and photograph the treatment process -no face shots- a woman. must be open minded and wanting to try this.
session will last 30 minutes or so, and a aprox 3 headless photographs of your breasts hooked to my pumps, My pants will stay on ! I will have to touch your breasts in a professional mannor. I will have to rub a small amount of massage oil on your nipples/upper breast before pump treatment, to allow skin to suctioned) [Excuse me, sir! You are not rubbing massage oil on my breasts in a professional manner. I was led to believe this would all be done in a professional manner.]
I may treat you to a bit off manual (Maybe oral) clitoral stimulation. [And this will also be done in a professional manner? Because I like my clitoral stimulation to be done by a professional.] This along with the pump's suction process, may add oxygen rich blood to the breast area, and make you more relaxed.
I'm safe sane Irish/Italian. [Excellent. Because I was worried you might be German. Everybody knows the Krauts can't do a proper nipple-suctioning.]
I will e-mail you a copies of the photos i take of your breasts
email me for photos of my equipment or myself
please do the same.
Your breast photos may be used for my personal collection Send name photo & breast size, contact info and questions you may have.
Im not licensed or insured [Wait, but I though you said you were professional. How can you call yourself a professional if you're not even licensed by the Nipple Suctionioners' Association of America?], this is for my personal hobby and our mutual pleasure. you can contron the amount of suction on your nipples. must be of legal age. I work full time, odd hours, in the airline industry. Im 40 Italian/Irish nice looking.
Can you follow simple special instructions?
You must put the following word in the subject box for a reply: "ARUBA" otherwise, you go in the delete box [A secret password!!]
You must attach a photo,
No 1 line'er replies
no odd ball email addresses, [I know, right? Can't a guy run a legitimate nipple suctioning operation without getting all sorts of weirdos emailing him?]
Be specific in your reply.
Be local Nass-suff- Qns, manhattan
I'm REAL!
www.sevensinnerswe.blogspot.com
Today in PRIDE: The Douchiest Place on Earth
The Point-at-Camera-and-Look-Smug gesture.
I do not use the term "douche" except in the rare instances in which it is warranted. The term has a precise definition that reaches well beyond everyday unpleasantness, and it should not be thrown around indiscriminately. A person cannot be a true "douche" unless he is: (a.) aggressively arrogant about accomplishments that reasonable people do not take any particular pride in, and (b.) pathologically incompetent. One but not the other does not a douche make.
With this two-pronged test in mind, I believe I have discovered the Douchiest Place on Earth: The Axe Lounge. Apparently, the makers of Axe Body Spray do not want their douchebaggery to be limited to pathetically aspirational television ads, so now they have expanded into the world of pathetically aspirational nightclubs.
Well, that makes sense. After all, “Axe is all about the mating game, and the best place for a mating game is at a nightclub,” according to Axe's advertising consultant, Michael Heller (second from left above), who may or may not be fellating Mystery at this very moment.
So, if you happen to be in Southampton this summer, be sure to stop by this Den of a Thousand Douches. I'm sure it will be packed with beautiful women, not a bunch of rejects from The Pick-Up Artist.
Well, that makes sense. After all, “Axe is all about the mating game, and the best place for a mating game is at a nightclub,” according to Axe's advertising consultant, Michael Heller (second from left above), who may or may not be fellating Mystery at this very moment.
So, if you happen to be in Southampton this summer, be sure to stop by this Den of a Thousand Douches. I'm sure it will be packed with beautiful women, not a bunch of rejects from The Pick-Up Artist.
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