So I'm taking a stroll in lower Manhattan with my now-former friend, Asshat,* when he insists we go to some obscure little ice cream shop in Chinatown because they have the best red bean ice cream in the entire city. Whatever. I have nothing better to do. We go.
I try the red bean. It's pretty good. Green tea's not bad either. Asshat then hands me a sample spoon of some unknown flavor and tells me I have to try it. It's "interesting," he says. I put the teaspoon sample in my mouth.
I am immediately struck by the taste of dead body slathered in rotten mayonnaise. There are distinct undertones of poop.
Tears form in my eyes. I look for the nearest trash can, which is ten feet away. If I take the time to walk the three steps to the trash can before spitting this out, I might very well die. I spit it onto the floor. The lady behind the counter looks as though she's seen this all before.
I look beseechingly at Asshat. "Whuuuu--!!" I have not yet regained the ability to speak intelligibly.
"Whuuuu--?!" I try again.
"Whhuuuu--- whhhyyy?! Why? Why do you hate me?!" He finds this hilarious.
It turns out what I have just tasted is durian-flavored ice cream. Durian is a fruit, apparently. A vile, mean dickwad of a fruit.
Durian is banned on mass transit in Singapore, and most hotels in the parts of Asia where it is grown do not allow guests to have it on the premises.
Andrew Zimmern, host of the Travel Channel show Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, has eaten the following foods, among many others, without incident: beating frog's heart, fugu, roasted bat, bull's rectum, maggot puppae, and tarantulas.
This was his reaction to eating durian.
Why was I not properly warned?! I was told not to play with matches as a kid. I was taught to keep my fingers out of light sockets. I was very well informed of the dangers associated with accepting candy from men with mustaches who drive vans. Why was I never warned about the World's Deadliest Fruit?
*This person's name has been changed to protect his anonymity. His name is not actually Asshat, although it really should be. If you ever see him in real life, feel free to call him this.
I try the red bean. It's pretty good. Green tea's not bad either. Asshat then hands me a sample spoon of some unknown flavor and tells me I have to try it. It's "interesting," he says. I put the teaspoon sample in my mouth.
I am immediately struck by the taste of dead body slathered in rotten mayonnaise. There are distinct undertones of poop.
Tears form in my eyes. I look for the nearest trash can, which is ten feet away. If I take the time to walk the three steps to the trash can before spitting this out, I might very well die. I spit it onto the floor. The lady behind the counter looks as though she's seen this all before.
I look beseechingly at Asshat. "Whuuuu--!!" I have not yet regained the ability to speak intelligibly.
"Whuuuu--?!" I try again.
"Whhuuuu--- whhhyyy?! Why? Why do you hate me?!" He finds this hilarious.
It turns out what I have just tasted is durian-flavored ice cream. Durian is a fruit, apparently. A vile, mean dickwad of a fruit.Durian is banned on mass transit in Singapore, and most hotels in the parts of Asia where it is grown do not allow guests to have it on the premises.
Andrew Zimmern, host of the Travel Channel show Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, has eaten the following foods, among many others, without incident: beating frog's heart, fugu, roasted bat, bull's rectum, maggot puppae, and tarantulas.
This was his reaction to eating durian.
Why was I not properly warned?! I was told not to play with matches as a kid. I was taught to keep my fingers out of light sockets. I was very well informed of the dangers associated with accepting candy from men with mustaches who drive vans. Why was I never warned about the World's Deadliest Fruit?
*This person's name has been changed to protect his anonymity. His name is not actually Asshat, although it really should be. If you ever see him in real life, feel free to call him this.
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